Sunday, July 18, 2010

#231: My Body at War With Itself

Last night I was sick again. This thing is not giving up without a fight. I was actually angry as I hung over the bowl. "Get out, you bastard," I mumbled between heaves. "You're not going to beat me. Get out." Mrs P thought I was sending her away at first, then she realized I was talking to the cancer. Sure it's crazy, but so is sitting on the edge of the tub with somebody who is puking his guts out. We all have our little madnesses. That's as good a definition of love as any, I guess.

I definitely feel as if this is the hard part. My body is revolting against the treatment pretty violently. The nausea is worse than it's ever been, and it comes faster than the drugs can keep up. My skin is really charred looking. I use the lotion that they gave me, but still look more like a burned french fry around my neck and upper chest. The fatigue amazes me. I think I'm probably awake for about five hours a day. The radiation is taking its toll.

My consolation is that if I feel this bad, the cancer must feel a whole lot worse.

Back when we made my original treatment plan, my last chemo was scheduled for tomorrow. Mercifully, I've been spared that third date. The cisplatin on top of the radiation was too much for my bone marrow to handle. Thank God. From what I've read and from what Mrs P's brother is going through, I think chemo is much harder on the body than this radiation I'm getting. Those people are the real cancer warriors. I feel like I'm way behind the front lines compared to some of my friends who are getting weekly infusions. Weekly, for god's sake! I don't see how they can live through it.

Been quiet this morning. Mrs P has gone to church. No stomach churning for me today. So far. I know better than to try to  predict the future. Two big events to hope for this week. I want to get to the park to see RENT. I also want to see my last radiation treatment on Thursday. The weather forecast is threatening all week, but that's typical late July weather in the Bluegrass. I'm just hoping for those late night storms that always make sleeping so pleasant. That will keep things cool and let the cast play their hearts out without worrying about the rain. Weather won't affect my treatments so much, though I'm always soaked with sweat when it's a rainy morning. I don't know if it's the humidity or if the damp just starts a kind of wicking effect in my skin. I know it's kind of ookey when I lift my bald head up from the plastic pillow block and it pops off with that wet sucking sound.

I have spoken with Jake about hacking into my blogger account. I've told him it's OK for him to write, but that he just needs to ask me first. I have a feeling his mamma may have helped him, but he is too loyal to narc her out. I can respect that.


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