Thoughts are not so lofty
Waking with a gentle opening
Not a start
As if only a part of me
After the storm
The Cries in the Dark
Welcome quiet fills the rooms
Home is home again
In stillness, I whispered your name
And you were here beside me
Your eyes moist with sleep and worry
Mine wide with fear and loneliness
Together we held one another in stillness
There is a kind of quiet that transcends a simple hush. When I've had a difficult spell, like the one I had this afternoon, the worst I can remember, the sleep that follows it is beyond sleep. After a few hours, I open my eyes and my body has not moved an inch. Every finger is just where I left it. Mrs P says at times like this she has to watch me to make sure I'm breathing. The snoring is gone with my tonsils, apparently. The tossing and turning are no longer an option, the PEG tube keeps me on my back. Now that I've lost some weight, I can sleep more comfortably so I don't need to move around much. What it comes down to is that things tend to stay where I put them. I don't fidget around much anymore.
Today, I awoke in the quiet after that storm. Mrs P was asleep in the next room. I could hear her breathing, (she swears she does not snore, but she does have tonsils...,) and I lay there in the light of the afternoon. The earlier gray rainlight had passed and the sun was drying the world. Jake had his chin on my foot. It was so very beautiful. When she awoke, Mrs P brought me my "feeding" and we went about the business of nutrition quietly. She has endured so much through all this. Today's nausea was as bad as she's seen me, too. Seeing the tired in her eyes pains me and I wish there were a way I could make it easier for her. For now, the best I can do is give her these quiet moments when they come. And remind her how grateful I am, how very much I love her.
She rolled over in her sleep the other night and asked, "Would you still love me if you didn't need me so much?" Startling question. It made me think of all the celebrity survivors I keep reading about whose wives get them through treatment, then these guys go find some co-ed and throw over the people who gave them everything. I don't get that. Rather, I asked myself, "Could I need you this much if I didn't love you?" Would I even allow you to pay such a cost without my love? The question was a shock, but it was easy to answer.
Yes, my darling. Yes, I love you, no matter what. Because I love you. That's why.
The Long Road... #2014reboot
Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods
mrs p Cancer running lifting weights LIVESTRONG at the YMCA treadmill weight nutrition depression God Living Strong at the Y injury YMCA dogs mom walking radiation Weight Lifting cardio friends program theatre body fat long slow run love One for the Five aches elliptical race resistance bands stretching 5K Acting Jeff Galloway chemo doctor family mental health Church Pittsburgh Marathon bluegrass fundraising inspiration patience personal trainer recovery Flying Pig Marathon Jesus Johns Striders Race Report Run the Bluegrass Half Marathon bipolar frustration kentucky knees measurements morning promatx yoga Christmas Marathon Pennsy's Greatest Hits cats clothes heart rate hope lance armstrong life molly poetry rest side effects steelers swimming 10K Actors' Guild of Lexington Blog CT Scan Coach Carrie PET Scan cross training exercise fear feeling good groin healing ice cream livestrong nausea powerlifting run/walk/run stair climber surgery Cancer Fighter Cold Gear Hills Iron Horse Half-marathon Job LSR Mum Nike+ Shamrock Shuffle 3K achilles advent arboretum bmi bodyweight exercises changes charity circuit training cycling dad deadlift diabetes encouragement experts give up goals horses interval training jake kettlebells lean body mass new rules of lifting pacing personal best plateau prayer recumbent bike research shoes sleep strength teeth therapist toe video Blood Easter Endurance Funeral Garmin 405 Homecoming House Insurance Juicing Keeneland Legacy Night PR Pennsyltucky Pittsburgh Relapse Run This Town TRX Training Values aflac arnold ben-gay bench press chafing christian compression shorts dentist dreams faith fat fatigue foreclosure good day half marathon hospitality javarunner john's run/walk shop lou schuler new year nurse pains peg tube powercage progressive resistance. racing rain rapture reboot runners world squat sun block supplements team pennsy tired weather will rogers work #3rightThings 9-11 ACSM AIDS Aquaphor Blessings Bluegrass 10K CSN Cancer Boy Cedar Hill Charles Dickens Class of 82 Classes Colby Road College Compassion Courage Crowdrise Cystoscopy Dee Diet EFM Epiphany Fall Fartlek Fat Man Fat Sick and Nearly Dead Frankfort Gadgets Gramma Grampa Gratitude Grete Waitz Guest HITT HIV Hell Holding Hands Holy Saturday Homer Horse Capital Marathon IVP Ice bath Jacuzzi James Taylor Jesus wept Joe Cross John Izzo Joy KY LaDonna Leg Day Lent Lessons Lexington Little Pennsy Mental hospital Midsummer Night's Run Mindfulness MobileFit Negative Splits Old Frankfort Pike Pilates Podrunner Pre-race Priorities RICE Railrunner 10 Miler Random thoughts Resurrection Reunion Run Bob Run Run Report Run Review Run for the Gold 3K Running Form Running for Sabrina STUPID Shakespeare Skip Brown Speed Spinning Summer Of Speed Sunrise Supersets Tao Te Ching Thank You The Wall Three Right Things Toxic Passenger UK UK basketball Urine Urologist Victory Walk of Shame Warrior Westminster Whole Foods Wind Words Zumba ace bandages addicted agony alwyn cosgrove america anger antibiotic anxiety awake back baseball blood clots blood pressure body glide bonhoeffer books brad calories chinup colonoscopy consistency crazy cycles dentures dip dr. google dumbbells elevation facebook failure farts feet fight for life fitness forgiveness frankenpennsy fun getting started glucosamine glutes goal gremlin grenz grumpy hair hamstrings hiccups high school hot ice incarnation indian food jogging john lennon joint legacy trail liniment lunges machines maker's mark mapmyrun.com medicine ball meds mercy motivation motley fool music nature neighborhood new balance nike noah numbers pennsyltuckian periodization persistence phlebitis postmodern prison professional boundaries progress psychiatrist pullups pushups quads ramble rememberance renewal road running ronnie coleman rowing safety sauna scan-ziety sexy shopping shorts shower sick sleepless snow socks spandex star trek statistics steam room steroids stiff strained muscle strap strength training supination support surgeon survive swackett swiss balls table technology tempo terry bradshaw testicular torsion text thai food that's fit the five thighs walk breaks warm up water fitness water jogging weak wedding ring wellness wife winter workout writing yardwork