Saturday, July 10, 2010

#222: In Stillness

In stillness
Thoughts are not so lofty
More present

Waking with a gentle opening
Not a start
In stillness
As if only a part of me

After the storm
The tears
The Cries in the Dark
Comes stillness
Welcome quiet fills the rooms
Home is home again

In stillness, I whispered your name
And you were here beside me
Your eyes moist with sleep and worry
Mine wide with fear and loneliness
Together we held one another in stillness

There is a kind of quiet that transcends a simple hush. When I've had a difficult spell, like the one I had this afternoon, the worst I can remember, the sleep that follows it is beyond sleep. After a few hours, I open my eyes and my body has not moved an inch. Every finger is just where I left it. Mrs P says at times like this she has to watch me to make sure I'm breathing. The snoring is gone with my tonsils, apparently. The tossing and turning are no longer an option, the PEG tube keeps me on my back. Now that I've lost some weight, I can sleep more comfortably so I don't need to move around much. What it comes down to is that things tend to stay where I put them. I don't fidget around much anymore.

Today, I awoke in the quiet after that storm. Mrs P was asleep in the next room. I could hear her breathing, (she swears she does not snore, but she does have tonsils...,) and I lay there in the light of the afternoon. The earlier gray rainlight had passed and the sun was drying the world. Jake had his chin on my foot. It was so very beautiful. When she awoke, Mrs P brought me my "feeding" and we went about the business of nutrition quietly. She has endured so much through all this. Today's nausea was as bad as she's seen me, too. Seeing the tired in her eyes pains me and I wish there were a way I could make it easier for her. For now, the best I can do is give her these quiet moments when they come. And remind her how grateful I am, how very much I love her.

She rolled over in her sleep the other night and asked, "Would you still love me if you didn't need me so much?" Startling question. It made me think of all the celebrity survivors I keep reading about whose wives get them through treatment, then these guys go find some co-ed and throw over the people who gave them everything. I don't get that. Rather, I asked myself, "Could I need you this much if I didn't love you?" Would I even allow you to pay such a cost without my love? The question was a shock, but it was easy to answer.

Yes, my darling. Yes, I love you, no matter what. Because I love you. That's why.


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