It's not so much the silence, as it is the imaginings that you use to fill it in. All the what ifs and wherefores that echo against the bedroom ceiling. I've always treasured these silent moments with God, but these days, I'm finding God's answers to be so unsatisfying. Why us?
I know, I'm supposed to ask, "Why NOT us?" I'm supposed to have more faith than to ask why God does things or permits things or accepts things that are so painful to the people I love. I know, I know God loves Mrs P even more than I do. God feels her pain when she suffers for her brother or husband or aunt or friends. I know all that. It's just that there are some wounds that bumper sticker theology can't bandage over.
I used to spend these evening hours fantasizing about work or running. I would imagine myself succeeding at some goal, making my family proud. I would visualize the curtain calls and the award banquets.
Nowadays, I have a checklist.
Does Mrs P know all the passwords? Does she understand our few remaining investments? Can she find all the life insurance policies? What if she had to do the taxes without me this year?
What if they overreacted to my teeth? Maybe they didn't need to take them all out. Will I ever be able to speak beautifully again? Will I ever be able to play another great Shakespearean role? Will I have to take my teeth out when I exercise at the gym?
Is Mum really comfortable on that guest bed? She has such energy. I'm sure we bore her with our long naps and afternoons with books and iced tea. Is it fair to take so much from her, no matter how lovingly she gives it?
The questions don't come in any special order because they aren't particularly rational. They just come, almost organically.
Was that a burp, or am I going to be sick?
Stomach gurgling or have I soiled the bed?
Fan blowing or ears ringing from chemo?
Jake, the golden puppy, now closer to adult than child, sighs deeply at my feet, wondering why I can't just learn to shine it on like he does. Jake takes the space he takes and lives in it contentedly. He is unhaunted by night time imagination. Jake is just Jake.
I get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. Mix up the nasty witch's brew of warm water, salt and baking soda that is supposed to sooth the thrush that's gnawing on my tongue. Swish, spit, scrape. Swish, spit, scrape. Like gargling with Plaster of Paris. Try the hair again, still holding fast. No little pinch fulls coming out yet, not even the beard. To the toilet. What the heck? What's all over my shorts? Did I just? Yes, yes I did. Are diapers next? Wash. Change. Check the sheets. No harm done. Not yet.
It isn't torture, not really. Torture is systematic. It has a goal, a reason. This is just so random. Just a sequence of disconnection. What ties it all together? God? Cancer? Love? Money? Poor old Job didn't get his answers, why should I?
The preacher wants to know if we're angry at God. She isn't. I am. She doesn't deserve this, though maybe I do. I don't know. None of us gets what we deserve in this life, thank God. But some us us seem to get a very raw deal. Mrs P shouldn't have to bear this. Not for me. Not for anyone. I watch her pour out her life for other people and it just seems like God is piling on sometimes. Most of the time. Of course I'm mad. How could I not blame someone who hurts my wife so much?
There is a theatre festival in the part here in the Bluegrass. I was a big shot there once. Now I dream of toting my plastic Adirondack chair down to the side of the hill and watching actors soar on music and language. Some of my favorite artists in town are playing. I long to hear them under the stars. I want to join them. I want to float away on voices and color and beautiful words. There's no telling what kind of shape I'll be in by July when they open,but I am starving to see them.
I want their life in me.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Label Cloud
mrs p
Cancer
running
lifting weights
LIVESTRONG at the YMCA
treadmill
weight
nutrition
depression
God
Living Strong at the Y
injury
YMCA
dogs
mom
walking
radiation
Weight Lifting
cardio
friends
program
theatre
body fat
long slow run
love
One for the Five
aches
elliptical
race
resistance bands
stretching
5K
Acting
Jeff Galloway
chemo
doctor
family
mental health
Church
Pittsburgh Marathon
bluegrass
fundraising
inspiration
patience
personal trainer
recovery
Flying Pig Marathon
Jesus
Johns Striders
Race Report
Run the Bluegrass Half Marathon
bipolar
frustration
kentucky
knees
measurements
morning
promatx
yoga
Christmas
Marathon
Pennsy's Greatest Hits
cats
clothes
heart rate
hope
lance armstrong
life
molly
poetry
rest
side effects
steelers
swimming
10K
Actors' Guild of Lexington
Blog
CT Scan
Coach Carrie
PET Scan
cross training
exercise
fear
feeling good
groin
healing
ice cream
livestrong
nausea
powerlifting
run/walk/run
stair climber
surgery
Cancer Fighter
Cold
Gear
Hills
Iron Horse Half-marathon
Job
LSR
Mum
Nike+
Shamrock Shuffle 3K
achilles
advent
arboretum
bmi
bodyweight exercises
changes
charity
circuit training
cycling
dad
deadlift
diabetes
encouragement
experts
give up
goals
horses
interval training
jake
kettlebells
lean body mass
new rules of lifting
pacing
personal best
plateau
prayer
recumbent bike
research
shoes
sleep
strength
teeth
therapist
toe
video
Blood
Easter
Endurance
Funeral
Garmin 405
Homecoming
House
Insurance
Juicing
Keeneland
Legacy
Night
PR
Pennsyltucky
Pittsburgh
Relapse
Run This Town
TRX
Training
Values
aflac
arnold
ben-gay
bench press
chafing
christian
compression shorts
dentist
dreams
faith
fat
fatigue
foreclosure
good day
half marathon
hospitality
javarunner
john's run/walk shop
lou schuler
new year
nurse
pains
peg tube
powercage
progressive resistance.
racing
rain
rapture
reboot
runners world
squat
sun block
supplements
team pennsy
tired
weather
will rogers
work
#3rightThings
9-11
ACSM
AIDS
Aquaphor
Blessings
Bluegrass 10K
CSN
Cancer Boy
Cedar Hill
Charles Dickens
Class of 82
Classes
Colby Road
College
Compassion
Courage
Crowdrise
Cystoscopy
Dee
Diet
EFM
Epiphany
Fall
Fartlek
Fat Man
Fat Sick and Nearly Dead
Frankfort
Gadgets
Gramma
Grampa
Gratitude
Grete Waitz
Guest
HITT
HIV
Hell
Holding Hands
Holy Saturday
Homer
Horse Capital Marathon
IVP
Ice bath
Jacuzzi
James Taylor
Jesus wept
Joe Cross
John Izzo
Joy
KY
LaDonna
Leg Day
Lent
Lessons
Lexington
Little Pennsy
Mental hospital
Midsummer Night's Run
Mindfulness
MobileFit
Negative Splits
Old Frankfort Pike
Pilates
Podrunner
Pre-race
Priorities
RICE
Railrunner 10 Miler
Random thoughts
Resurrection
Reunion
Run Bob Run
Run Report
Run Review
Run for the Gold 3K
Running Form
Running for Sabrina
STUPID
Shakespeare
Skip Brown
Speed
Spinning
Summer Of Speed
Sunrise
Supersets
Tao Te Ching
Thank You
The Wall
Three Right Things
Toxic Passenger
UK
UK basketball
Urine
Urologist
Victory
Walk of Shame
Warrior
Westminster
Whole Foods
Wind
Words
Zumba
ace bandages
addicted
agony
alwyn cosgrove
america
anger
antibiotic
anxiety
awake
back
baseball
blood clots
blood pressure
body glide
bonhoeffer
books
brad
calories
chinup
colonoscopy
consistency
crazy
cycles
dentures
dip
dr. google
dumbbells
elevation
facebook
failure
farts
feet
fight for life
fitness
forgiveness
frankenpennsy
fun
getting started
glucosamine
glutes
goal
gremlin
grenz
grumpy
hair
hamstrings
hiccups
high school
hot
ice
incarnation
indian food
jogging
john lennon
joint
legacy trail
liniment
lunges
machines
maker's mark
mapmyrun.com
medicine ball
meds
mercy
motivation
motley fool
music
nature
neighborhood
new balance
nike
noah
numbers
pennsyltuckian
periodization
persistence
phlebitis
postmodern
prison
professional boundaries
progress
psychiatrist
pullups
pushups
quads
ramble
rememberance
renewal
road running
ronnie coleman
rowing
safety
sauna
scan-ziety
sexy
shopping
shorts
shower
sick
sleepless
snow
socks
spandex
star trek
statistics
steam room
steroids
stiff
strained muscle
strap
strength training
supination
support
surgeon
survive
swackett
swiss balls
table
technology
tempo
terry bradshaw
testicular torsion
text
thai food
that's fit
the five
thighs
walk breaks
warm up
water fitness
water jogging
weak
wedding ring
wellness
wife
winter
workout
writing
yardwork
No comments:
Post a Comment