With the exception of my wedding and a few special New Year's Eve celebrations with Mrs P, I have spent the best parts of my life on stage. Acting is the only job I've ever really loved. It is often painful, always rewarding, and on rare occasions, positively mystical.
It occurred to me today that I've spent so many years playing characters who endured trials, I might turn to them to learn how to conduct myself during my own survival journey.
The first time I played Tevye I knew that I wanted to spend my life performing. On opening night, as I stood high atop my little milk wagon taking in the applause after If I Were a Rich Man I was positively drunk with the audience's approval. It was many years later - around thirty I think - that I was able to play the role again, and learned about the heart of this big, beautiful man. For him, family is everything. No matter how hard the world is on him, no matter how far away his children travel, he and Golde remain bound with cords of love that no Tzar or Cossack can sever. The dairyman from Anatevka taught me that love is the source of our strength and our life.
The Tempest is Shakespeare's story of a wronged Duke, Prospero and his revenge on the brother who unjustly banished him and his daughter on a deserted island. He has every right to be angry, and using magic powers he conjurs a storm that maroons the cruel brother and his fellow travellers from Naples. Prospero and the fairies who serve him devise more and more powerful ways to torment the party, but just at the moment when his final vengance is complete, the old magicial changes his mind. He himself is tormented, not by guilt, but by the innocence of his daughter and his sprite, Ariel. Prospero chooses mercy over justice, and because of that choice, he is redeemed.
I also have a lot to be angry about. I've been mistreated by the insurance company, old employers, friends who disappeared when things got tough. I could spend - and to be honest, I have spent - lots of time blaming and fantasizing my own vengence on the people who may not have caused my cancer, but have certainly made it more difficult for me and the people I love. Such thoughts are tempting, and perversely gratifying, I must admit. But they will not help me to redeem my life back from the disease that is trying to lay claim to it. Like Prospero, I have not choice but to forgive the people who torment my nights.
Nick Bottom is a complete jackass. So much so, that he is given a donkey's head in which to woo Titania, the queen of the fairies in A Midsummer Night's Dream. Bottom has little talent and less craft, but by golly he loves his friends and he loves the theatre. The chance to play makes his heart soar and his enthusiasm lifts his fellow mechanicals to heights beyond their wildest dreams. Bottom loves unconditionally. It's as simple as that. He finds wonder everywhere and ecstasy in the crazy poetry of life. He gives himself away completely, and in doing so, he is glorified.
I lack Bottom's purity of heart, but I know what it means to love what you do. In that, I am a lucky man. I know what it is to love the people around you without reservation. In that, I am a rich man. No matter how much depression and cancer may try to convince me otherwise, I know I have a reason to live. I need to live, because I am not finished loving yet.
In the dark days ahead, I will remember the lessons these teachers have given me. I gave my all to do right by them, and I know they will not abandon me in my hour of need. And when the Dark Angel has passed me over at last, I am determined to return to them. I am not finished learning yet, either.
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Aging/experience has brought me a better understanding of God's declaration: "Vengeance is mine, I will repay".
ReplyDeleteMy ability to match punishment to 'crime' is limited by an unyielding inability to know the heart. With stubborn consistency, my version of vengeance would cause collateral, unnecessary and inappropriate damage.
But God knows. His punishment will always perfectly match; Justice will always be perfectly meted out.
With God, Ultimate Justice, like all else in life, is something we can safely leave with Him.
Thanks for blogging. You consistently keep us in touch with what's Real.
Life can be terse. Yes, I meant terse and not tense. My husband begins his chemo on Monday as well. Three days of liquid poison and then 18 days off with this regimen to be repeated twice more.
ReplyDeleteLots of big changes on the horizon as his mortality comes screeching right in front of our face. Our only son just turned 17 and has been dealing with some serious pain for nearly a year and it was just diagnosed 3 months ago and then the diagnosis changed and then one more condition added for good measure.
Tell you what. I will pray for you if you will pray for my husband, John, and my son, Paul. We will all be lifted closer to our Creator if we don't go this alone and allow others to offer the sweet-smelling savor of prayer.
Robyn (TMF poster "jrdown")
If you ever feel up to it my email is jrdown@kc.rr.com
Actually felt my heart leap a little reading about your love of acting. We have that in common. John and I have five kids and there have been two shows (over our 16 years of stage life) that all of us have been in together and that says something.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot that can be learned by portraying different characters. Funny how we recall what happened in our lives by the shows we were in. I'll bet you understand.
Robyn
What an incredible perspective this is. As always, I applaud your spirit and abounding love. I remain always impressed and amazed by your thoughts and words, but, in this new situation you have found yourself in, I am so moved by your commitment to hope and inspired by your devotion to life and love. Thank you, my friend, for reminding us how important these things are. Thank you for enduring this battle for the rest of us so that we may learn about hope, life, love, and sacrifice through you. I continue to send my love and thoughts to you and your lovely wife.
ReplyDelete