Seven days more and the wait will be over. On Wednesday I have the first CT scan since treatment ended. Next Monday I get the results. They will tell me if they see any cancer still in there. The waiting is driving me crazy.
I've been doing a lot of very esoteric reading. Reading about Mormonism and Masons and Theosophy and Hinduism. It's as if I'm searching for meaning somewhere else. My own life is so stuck in limbo right now. I have always stubbornly sought my own answers, but right now I would love for someone to tell me what it all means.
Last night I dreamed I could astrally project my consciousness. I left my body and flew around the world like a ghost or a magician. Nothing about my physical being mattered, not cancer, not being tired. I wasn't afraid of being sick or dying. I just flew, free and strong. I was pretty disappointed when I woke up. Turns out that the laws of space and time still apply to me.
I've been having these crazy paranoid thoughts. What if, after all this, I beat cancer and I'm not a better person for it? What if I'm the same selfish, frightened person I was back in April? Back when I was really sick I was sure that I was becoming someone different. Someone whose priorities had changed. But what if that was just a delusion to help me get through all that misery? Would that mean my cancer had no purpose, no meaning? Should it?
Part of me wants to hope that it will all be over soon. I'll sit in the examining room and the doctors will say that I'm all better, I can get the PEG tube out of my belly, get dentures for my mouth, start lifting and running again. Stop being afraid. Start being a new man. I want to hope for the best, but I'm afraid of how I'll react if I don't hear all that.
What if they tell me it's back or it's moved or it's worse? What if I need more chemo or have to do radiation again? I was diagnosed on April 16. Almost five months. It feels like such a long time, but I don't guess it is. Not really. Lots of people battle cancer for years. Will I? Can I?
See why I'd rather sleep? Life is much better when you can fly. I don't know what's coming, but I do know something is going to change in seven days. I hope it's me.
Peace,
Pennsy
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Label Cloud
mrs p
Cancer
running
lifting weights
LIVESTRONG at the YMCA
treadmill
weight
nutrition
depression
God
Living Strong at the Y
injury
YMCA
dogs
mom
walking
radiation
Weight Lifting
cardio
friends
program
theatre
body fat
long slow run
love
One for the Five
aches
elliptical
race
resistance bands
stretching
5K
Acting
Jeff Galloway
chemo
doctor
family
mental health
Church
Pittsburgh Marathon
bluegrass
fundraising
inspiration
patience
personal trainer
recovery
Flying Pig Marathon
Jesus
Johns Striders
Race Report
Run the Bluegrass Half Marathon
bipolar
frustration
kentucky
knees
measurements
morning
promatx
yoga
Christmas
Marathon
Pennsy's Greatest Hits
cats
clothes
heart rate
hope
lance armstrong
life
molly
poetry
rest
side effects
steelers
swimming
10K
Actors' Guild of Lexington
Blog
CT Scan
Coach Carrie
PET Scan
cross training
exercise
fear
feeling good
groin
healing
ice cream
livestrong
nausea
powerlifting
run/walk/run
stair climber
surgery
Cancer Fighter
Cold
Gear
Hills
Iron Horse Half-marathon
Job
LSR
Mum
Nike+
Shamrock Shuffle 3K
achilles
advent
arboretum
bmi
bodyweight exercises
changes
charity
circuit training
cycling
dad
deadlift
diabetes
encouragement
experts
give up
goals
horses
interval training
jake
kettlebells
lean body mass
new rules of lifting
pacing
personal best
plateau
prayer
recumbent bike
research
shoes
sleep
strength
teeth
therapist
toe
video
Blood
Easter
Endurance
Funeral
Garmin 405
Homecoming
House
Insurance
Juicing
Keeneland
Legacy
Night
PR
Pennsyltucky
Pittsburgh
Relapse
Run This Town
TRX
Training
Values
aflac
arnold
ben-gay
bench press
chafing
christian
compression shorts
dentist
dreams
faith
fat
fatigue
foreclosure
good day
half marathon
hospitality
javarunner
john's run/walk shop
lou schuler
new year
nurse
pains
peg tube
powercage
progressive resistance.
racing
rain
rapture
reboot
runners world
squat
sun block
supplements
team pennsy
tired
weather
will rogers
work
#3rightThings
9-11
ACSM
AIDS
Aquaphor
Blessings
Bluegrass 10K
CSN
Cancer Boy
Cedar Hill
Charles Dickens
Class of 82
Classes
Colby Road
College
Compassion
Courage
Crowdrise
Cystoscopy
Dee
Diet
EFM
Epiphany
Fall
Fartlek
Fat Man
Fat Sick and Nearly Dead
Frankfort
Gadgets
Gramma
Grampa
Gratitude
Grete Waitz
Guest
HITT
HIV
Hell
Holding Hands
Holy Saturday
Homer
Horse Capital Marathon
IVP
Ice bath
Jacuzzi
James Taylor
Jesus wept
Joe Cross
John Izzo
Joy
KY
LaDonna
Leg Day
Lent
Lessons
Lexington
Little Pennsy
Mental hospital
Midsummer Night's Run
Mindfulness
MobileFit
Negative Splits
Old Frankfort Pike
Pilates
Podrunner
Pre-race
Priorities
RICE
Railrunner 10 Miler
Random thoughts
Resurrection
Reunion
Run Bob Run
Run Report
Run Review
Run for the Gold 3K
Running Form
Running for Sabrina
STUPID
Shakespeare
Skip Brown
Speed
Spinning
Summer Of Speed
Sunrise
Supersets
Tao Te Ching
Thank You
The Wall
Three Right Things
Toxic Passenger
UK
UK basketball
Urine
Urologist
Victory
Walk of Shame
Warrior
Westminster
Whole Foods
Wind
Words
Zumba
ace bandages
addicted
agony
alwyn cosgrove
america
anger
antibiotic
anxiety
awake
back
baseball
blood clots
blood pressure
body glide
bonhoeffer
books
brad
calories
chinup
colonoscopy
consistency
crazy
cycles
dentures
dip
dr. google
dumbbells
elevation
facebook
failure
farts
feet
fight for life
fitness
forgiveness
frankenpennsy
fun
getting started
glucosamine
glutes
goal
gremlin
grenz
grumpy
hair
hamstrings
hiccups
high school
hot
ice
incarnation
indian food
jogging
john lennon
joint
legacy trail
liniment
lunges
machines
maker's mark
mapmyrun.com
medicine ball
meds
mercy
motivation
motley fool
music
nature
neighborhood
new balance
nike
noah
numbers
pennsyltuckian
periodization
persistence
phlebitis
postmodern
prison
professional boundaries
progress
psychiatrist
pullups
pushups
quads
ramble
rememberance
renewal
road running
ronnie coleman
rowing
safety
sauna
scan-ziety
sexy
shopping
shorts
shower
sick
sleepless
snow
socks
spandex
star trek
statistics
steam room
steroids
stiff
strained muscle
strap
strength training
supination
support
surgeon
survive
swackett
swiss balls
table
technology
tempo
terry bradshaw
testicular torsion
text
thai food
that's fit
the five
thighs
walk breaks
warm up
water fitness
water jogging
weak
wedding ring
wellness
wife
winter
workout
writing
yardwork
Scanxiety - it BITES. I can't sleep as we wait for my sister's scan results. And I'm just the sister. So I can only imagine. It really is horrible, hence having its own terminology!
ReplyDeleteYou will definitely be in my prayers!
And while praying for a good scan, I will tell you that whatever the results, you will soldier on with the grace and spirit that you have so far.
I'd tell you to not worry about it, that it is what it is regardless of your worry. But these are the things people tell me and they don't help me at all. :-)
~kim benson
Kurt Vonneget was suddenly told he had six months to live. the six months came and went. he got well--depression hit like rocks.
ReplyDeleteremember that you still have enough RAD in your system to do chemical things to your moods ' thoughts.
an old desert monk said that the devil comes into the world and ties it in knots. Jesus knot by knot unties us. suffering, thinking, healing repeat.