Monday, September 6, 2010

#257: Rather Be Flying

Seven days more and the wait will be over. On Wednesday I have the first CT scan since treatment ended. Next Monday I get the results. They will tell me if they see any cancer still in there. The waiting is driving me crazy.

I've been doing a lot of very esoteric reading. Reading about Mormonism and Masons and Theosophy and Hinduism. It's as if I'm searching for meaning somewhere else. My own life is so stuck in limbo right now. I have always stubbornly sought my own answers, but right now I would love for someone to tell me what it all means.

Last night I dreamed I could astrally project my consciousness. I left my body and flew around the world like a ghost or a magician. Nothing about my physical being mattered, not cancer, not being tired. I wasn't afraid of being sick or dying. I just flew, free and strong. I was pretty disappointed when I woke up. Turns out that the laws of space and time still apply to me.

I've been having these crazy paranoid thoughts. What if, after all this, I beat cancer and I'm not a better person for it? What if I'm the same selfish, frightened person I was back in April? Back when I was really sick I was sure that I was becoming someone different. Someone whose priorities had changed. But what if that was just a delusion to help me get through all that misery? Would that mean my cancer had no purpose, no meaning? Should it?

Part of me wants to hope that it will all be over soon. I'll sit in the examining room and the doctors will say that I'm all better, I can get the PEG tube out of my belly, get dentures for my mouth, start lifting and running again. Stop being afraid. Start being a new man. I want to hope for the best, but I'm afraid of how I'll react if I don't hear all that.

What if they tell me it's back or it's moved or it's worse? What if I need more chemo or have to do radiation again? I was diagnosed on April 16. Almost five months. It feels like such a long time, but I don't guess it is. Not really. Lots of people battle cancer for years. Will I? Can I?

See why I'd rather sleep? Life is much better when you can fly. I don't know what's coming, but I do know something is going to change in seven days. I hope it's me.




  1. Scanxiety - it BITES. I can't sleep as we wait for my sister's scan results. And I'm just the sister. So I can only imagine. It really is horrible, hence having its own terminology!

    You will definitely be in my prayers!

    And while praying for a good scan, I will tell you that whatever the results, you will soldier on with the grace and spirit that you have so far.

    I'd tell you to not worry about it, that it is what it is regardless of your worry. But these are the things people tell me and they don't help me at all. :-)

    ~kim benson

  2. Kurt Vonneget was suddenly told he had six months to live. the six months came and went. he got well--depression hit like rocks.

    remember that you still have enough RAD in your system to do chemical things to your moods ' thoughts.

    an old desert monk said that the devil comes into the world and ties it in knots. Jesus knot by knot unties us. suffering, thinking, healing repeat.


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