Wednesday, September 1, 2010

##255: The Waiting is the Hardest Part

What was once a daily joy has become a weekly chore. I miss blogging, but then I've been missing just about everything lately.

While I was warned about how difficult radiation and treatment would be, I have to admit I was totally unprepared for this ordeal of waiting to find out if they worked. It's still a week till the CT scan and almost two until the appointment when we get the results. Meanwhile every itch and tingle convinces me that the cancer is back. A few weeks ago I couldn't conceive of that possibility. Now I'm obsessed with it. 

Everything irritates me. Conversation works my nerves. Silence depresses me. Watching TV feels like a waste of time, so I put on the headphones and watch YouTube. Walking makes me happy, so I stay in bed till noon, when it's too hot to go out. Nothing I'm doing makes sense.

Part of what I'm going through is depression, but mostly I'm scared shitless. I told Mum yesterday that I think I'm sleeping just to avoid being awake.

We've had some rough news this week. My sister's brother-in-law passed away suddenly. A friend was diagnosed with cancer. People I love and care about have much bigger problems than mine. My God. Is that the problem? Am I upset because I'm not the center of attention any more? How hideous is that?

See why I'm not blogging much? I bore myself with all this complaining. I certainly wouldn't want to read about it online. I'll try to find something more interesting to write about tomorrow.




  1. All of your emotions and actions sound normal to me. That is what I experienced with my husband. He always tries to keep a good attitude but I see and feel his concern underneath it all.

    I think it's a good idea to sleep so you aren't fretting about whether or not the cancer has returned. This waiting game is horrible for everyone. I swear that I just know they have the results way before they meet with us. In a way having to wait so long is just a sick torture.

    John, Paul, Wesley (our dog) and I are leaving very early Friday morning to drive out to Oceanside, California. Paul, Wesley and I will be staying with my dad and John will return on Tuesday since he has to meet up with his oncologist and start chemo again. Our oldest daughter will be staying at home, working and taking care of the cats. The goal is to put the house on the market in October and sell it. That may be a "pie-in-the-sky" goal but one that we have to do. I will return about a month or so from now to help with the house and get rid of everything except pictures, family memorabilia and movies. I really don't care about anything else and have already emotionally severed ties with this wonderful house.

    Please pray for us as the three of us meet with a new doctor for Paul this coming Tuesday and get the ball rolling for further treatment there. The great news is that he will be near his other three sisters. We are hoping that someday our oldest daughter may join us out there if it is in her best interests job and music wise.

    I've been thinking about your everyday and so glad that you finally posted.


  2. Well my opinion, waiting IS the most stressful dad used to say (in regrd to most things...including his cancer) "It is what it is.." easier said than done ...BUT true. There will be good news, there will be bad news...but the future is nothing but inevitable. Somehow, I have always felt there is a comfort in that. Sleep, feel whatever u need to is OK. It is what it is.


  3. I agree with your wise friends above. Your actions and reactions sound normal to me, though I certainly understand the heavy weight that the blanket of depression brings. Remember that whether or not you're writing here, sleeping all the time, avoiding what makes you happy, or caring for your friends and family, you have a whole army of supporters in your corner, ready to pounce on any enemy and celebrate every tiny victory with you. Be well, my friend, and just find a way to get through this moment.

  4. Keep writing. I need to read it. Love.


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