What was once a daily joy has become a weekly chore. I miss blogging, but then I've been missing just about everything lately.
While I was warned about how difficult radiation and treatment would be, I have to admit I was totally unprepared for this ordeal of waiting to find out if they worked. It's still a week till the CT scan and almost two until the appointment when we get the results. Meanwhile every itch and tingle convinces me that the cancer is back. A few weeks ago I couldn't conceive of that possibility. Now I'm obsessed with it.
Everything irritates me. Conversation works my nerves. Silence depresses me. Watching TV feels like a waste of time, so I put on the headphones and watch YouTube. Walking makes me happy, so I stay in bed till noon, when it's too hot to go out. Nothing I'm doing makes sense.
Part of what I'm going through is depression, but mostly I'm scared shitless. I told Mum yesterday that I think I'm sleeping just to avoid being awake.
We've had some rough news this week. My sister's brother-in-law passed away suddenly. A friend was diagnosed with cancer. People I love and care about have much bigger problems than mine. My God. Is that the problem? Am I upset because I'm not the center of attention any more? How hideous is that?
See why I'm not blogging much? I bore myself with all this complaining. I certainly wouldn't want to read about it online. I'll try to find something more interesting to write about tomorrow.
Peace,
Pennsy
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Label Cloud
mrs p
Cancer
running
lifting weights
LIVESTRONG at the YMCA
treadmill
weight
nutrition
depression
God
Living Strong at the Y
injury
YMCA
dogs
mom
walking
radiation
Weight Lifting
cardio
friends
program
theatre
body fat
long slow run
love
One for the Five
aches
elliptical
race
resistance bands
stretching
5K
Acting
Jeff Galloway
chemo
doctor
family
mental health
Church
Pittsburgh Marathon
bluegrass
fundraising
inspiration
patience
personal trainer
recovery
Flying Pig Marathon
Jesus
Johns Striders
Race Report
Run the Bluegrass Half Marathon
bipolar
frustration
kentucky
knees
measurements
morning
promatx
yoga
Christmas
Marathon
Pennsy's Greatest Hits
cats
clothes
heart rate
hope
lance armstrong
life
molly
poetry
rest
side effects
steelers
swimming
10K
Actors' Guild of Lexington
Blog
CT Scan
Coach Carrie
PET Scan
cross training
exercise
fear
feeling good
groin
healing
ice cream
livestrong
nausea
powerlifting
run/walk/run
stair climber
surgery
Cancer Fighter
Cold
Gear
Hills
Iron Horse Half-marathon
Job
LSR
Mum
Nike+
Shamrock Shuffle 3K
achilles
advent
arboretum
bmi
bodyweight exercises
changes
charity
circuit training
cycling
dad
deadlift
diabetes
encouragement
experts
give up
goals
horses
interval training
jake
kettlebells
lean body mass
new rules of lifting
pacing
personal best
plateau
prayer
recumbent bike
research
shoes
sleep
strength
teeth
therapist
toe
video
Blood
Easter
Endurance
Funeral
Garmin 405
Homecoming
House
Insurance
Juicing
Keeneland
Legacy
Night
PR
Pennsyltucky
Pittsburgh
Relapse
Run This Town
TRX
Training
Values
aflac
arnold
ben-gay
bench press
chafing
christian
compression shorts
dentist
dreams
faith
fat
fatigue
foreclosure
good day
half marathon
hospitality
javarunner
john's run/walk shop
lou schuler
new year
nurse
pains
peg tube
powercage
progressive resistance.
racing
rain
rapture
reboot
runners world
squat
sun block
supplements
team pennsy
tired
weather
will rogers
work
#3rightThings
9-11
ACSM
AIDS
Aquaphor
Blessings
Bluegrass 10K
CSN
Cancer Boy
Cedar Hill
Charles Dickens
Class of 82
Classes
Colby Road
College
Compassion
Courage
Crowdrise
Cystoscopy
Dee
Diet
EFM
Epiphany
Fall
Fartlek
Fat Man
Fat Sick and Nearly Dead
Frankfort
Gadgets
Gramma
Grampa
Gratitude
Grete Waitz
Guest
HITT
HIV
Hell
Holding Hands
Holy Saturday
Homer
Horse Capital Marathon
IVP
Ice bath
Jacuzzi
James Taylor
Jesus wept
Joe Cross
John Izzo
Joy
KY
LaDonna
Leg Day
Lent
Lessons
Lexington
Little Pennsy
Mental hospital
Midsummer Night's Run
Mindfulness
MobileFit
Negative Splits
Old Frankfort Pike
Pilates
Podrunner
Pre-race
Priorities
RICE
Railrunner 10 Miler
Random thoughts
Resurrection
Reunion
Run Bob Run
Run Report
Run Review
Run for the Gold 3K
Running Form
Running for Sabrina
STUPID
Shakespeare
Skip Brown
Speed
Spinning
Summer Of Speed
Sunrise
Supersets
Tao Te Ching
Thank You
The Wall
Three Right Things
Toxic Passenger
UK
UK basketball
Urine
Urologist
Victory
Walk of Shame
Warrior
Westminster
Whole Foods
Wind
Words
Zumba
ace bandages
addicted
agony
alwyn cosgrove
america
anger
antibiotic
anxiety
awake
back
baseball
blood clots
blood pressure
body glide
bonhoeffer
books
brad
calories
chinup
colonoscopy
consistency
crazy
cycles
dentures
dip
dr. google
dumbbells
elevation
facebook
failure
farts
feet
fight for life
fitness
forgiveness
frankenpennsy
fun
getting started
glucosamine
glutes
goal
gremlin
grenz
grumpy
hair
hamstrings
hiccups
high school
hot
ice
incarnation
indian food
jogging
john lennon
joint
legacy trail
liniment
lunges
machines
maker's mark
mapmyrun.com
medicine ball
meds
mercy
motivation
motley fool
music
nature
neighborhood
new balance
nike
noah
numbers
pennsyltuckian
periodization
persistence
phlebitis
postmodern
prison
professional boundaries
progress
psychiatrist
pullups
pushups
quads
ramble
rememberance
renewal
road running
ronnie coleman
rowing
safety
sauna
scan-ziety
sexy
shopping
shorts
shower
sick
sleepless
snow
socks
spandex
star trek
statistics
steam room
steroids
stiff
strained muscle
strap
strength training
supination
support
surgeon
survive
swackett
swiss balls
table
technology
tempo
terry bradshaw
testicular torsion
text
thai food
that's fit
the five
thighs
walk breaks
warm up
water fitness
water jogging
weak
wedding ring
wellness
wife
winter
workout
writing
yardwork
All of your emotions and actions sound normal to me. That is what I experienced with my husband. He always tries to keep a good attitude but I see and feel his concern underneath it all.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good idea to sleep so you aren't fretting about whether or not the cancer has returned. This waiting game is horrible for everyone. I swear that I just know they have the results way before they meet with us. In a way having to wait so long is just a sick torture.
John, Paul, Wesley (our dog) and I are leaving very early Friday morning to drive out to Oceanside, California. Paul, Wesley and I will be staying with my dad and John will return on Tuesday since he has to meet up with his oncologist and start chemo again. Our oldest daughter will be staying at home, working and taking care of the cats. The goal is to put the house on the market in October and sell it. That may be a "pie-in-the-sky" goal but one that we have to do. I will return about a month or so from now to help with the house and get rid of everything except pictures, family memorabilia and movies. I really don't care about anything else and have already emotionally severed ties with this wonderful house.
Please pray for us as the three of us meet with a new doctor for Paul this coming Tuesday and get the ball rolling for further treatment there. The great news is that he will be near his other three sisters. We are hoping that someday our oldest daughter may join us out there if it is in her best interests job and music wise.
I've been thinking about your everyday and so glad that you finally posted.
Robyn
Well Mister...in my opinion, waiting IS the most stressful point...my dad used to say (in regrd to most things...including his cancer) "It is what it is.." easier said than done ...BUT true. There will be good news, there will be bad news...but the future is nothing but inevitable. Somehow, I have always felt there is a comfort in that. Sleep, feel grumpy...do whatever u need to do...it is OK. It is what it is.
ReplyDeleteLaurie
I agree with your wise friends above. Your actions and reactions sound normal to me, though I certainly understand the heavy weight that the blanket of depression brings. Remember that whether or not you're writing here, sleeping all the time, avoiding what makes you happy, or caring for your friends and family, you have a whole army of supporters in your corner, ready to pounce on any enemy and celebrate every tiny victory with you. Be well, my friend, and just find a way to get through this moment.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing. I need to read it. Love.
ReplyDelete