it's been nearly a month with the new lifestyle. I've been a sedentary rock for about 16 years.
today, I'm kicking myself and in the dumps. I should be celebrating... but I'll get to that.
there are days when I can manage two 40 minute sessions in one day.
today hasn't been one of them. I lifted weights for about 15 minutes, walked a brief and slow lap around a track and swam a lackluster 18 minutes. felt like a poor effort - but then I ate that damned bread this morning... slows me down, way down. note to self - stop eating bread. the high I seek... not here today. the motivation... ? where is it?
like I said, there are these days. days where I push into a zone where the sweat is pouring off of me and my ceiling of intensity just grows and grows and there is a soaring feeling of incredible ability... I could go on and on... and I do just that. yesterday I pushed hard for 40 minutes (30 minutes aerobic, 10 minutes weights) once in the morning and then last night again.
it may not be good for me to be doing this to get high.
but that is a motivation I must admit. to get higher and higher. not just to live strong and healthy.
lord knows this 279 pound 5'7'' machine needs to live strong and healthy. maybe the buzz should be collateral and just another thing I notice, including the sore muscles and sweat. something I notice around the continuum of activity and more activity. the goal - pure, steady and engaged activity; the very happy center. buzz, sweat and soreness as solely the byproduct - not the goal.
but it feels damn good anyway. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm looking for something sustainable.
I have been doing everything from EFX Elliptical training - 30 minute sessions; stair machines - 20 minute sessions to date; swimming breaststroke and kickboarding and treading water - usually 20 minute sessions; weight lifting; power walking with intervals of sprinting and wild armed gesticulations (I don't know how else to put it) - up to 2.2 miles in about 40 minutes or more; cycling - upright and recumbent, up to 4 miles in some cases and in about 15 minutes with varying levels of intensity and resistance; the upper body crank, yoga, pilates yoga....
the tao te ching says "if you want to become straight, be crooked." ok. here's the point. there will be lackluster days. gotta allow for dips and turns in the road. positively speaking, the amount of activity I just did is amazing for the couch potato I've been for 16 years. compared to my best efforts in the past month - pooh. big steamy one. not good.
but better than nothing. and what a day yesterday was. what a day.
here's the thing. if I get down and play the loser tape because I had a weak morning and just couldn't push enough - I might quit.
(perhaps I need to back off bread? some people it's chocolate.)
better yet, perhaps I need to give myself a break for at least getting to the gym. the proverb from the tao te ching could be rephrased today as "don't put your eggs in one basket." one workout isn't a commentary on the overall quality of your new thing.
there has to be a happy medium between this contemplation and making sure I kick my own ass the next time I make it out there. striking this kind of balance in moments like these seems to be my meat in adulthood.
I've been lapping the milk of a childish will to quit at my new projects ...for too long. yeah, I feel like a "loser" today. play that tape long enough and I'll quit all over again. sucks to be fat and unhealthy. most of us, actually NONE of us set out to be in this boat. but when we get there, we find we've picked up some pesky demons along the way.
note to self. good job. note to self. you will try running longer next time you hit that treadmill. note to self. never look at the scales - it isn't about the scale anymore, it's about life. note to self. you're a sexy 279 pound beast with more muscle and a narrower frame and you are living strong. note to self. take out the garbage.