I had an epiphany today. I haven't been living "in the moment" since my last radiation treatment. That's when the action stopped and all the waiting started. During treatment, there was always something to do. Go in for radiation or chemo. Get my blood checked. Squirt nutrition through my PEG tube. Keep my meds on schedule. There was no waiting around because there was nothing to wait for. The past didn't matter and the future was too unknowable to dwell on. So I just moved from task to task, living in "the now," not worried about the things I couldn't do anything about.
But since the end of treatment, there's been a lot of waiting and worrying. Will this blood clot clear up? Will the next scan be clear? Will I be able to run or act again? Without the discipline of a schedule, I let myself fall into the very trap I avoided through all the cutting and radiating and puking this summer. I started worrying about things I could do nothing about. And doing nothing about the things I can change. No wonder I've been so depressed. I've turned the Serenity Prayer upside down. I met with a new therapist yesterday. A head-shrinker, I mean. I've had mixed results with shrinks in my life. The psychiatrist's medicine cabinet always seems to give me better results than talk therapy, but I think this guy is going to help me get some things straightened out.
We talked yesterday about "values." Not the things you say you care about, but the things your life shows are important to you. I've had to look at the way I spend my time and to consider the things I value. Once it was work and making money. Now it's sleep and browsing around on Facebook. The shrink asked me about social interactions - what contact do I have with other people? I had to admit to myself that I've been hiding. I haven't been valuing all the people who have showed me so much love in the past few months. I've been valuing my depression. It has been my constant companion. That's crazy.
Well, yeah. That's why they call it crazy. If we were always rational, there would be no nut houses.
I spent some time in the hospital last year for my depression. Things had gotten pretty bad and I was lost. I felt like there was no reason for me to continue living. I had lost my job and failed at two others. Our debts were piling up and it seemed certain that we were going to lose our house. Mrs P felt a million miles away and all I wanted to do was cry. I was way past the point of "pulling myself together." We wound up sitting in a room with a social worker who asked me about an hour's worth of questions, then suggested I be admitted for a while.
I've never written about this before. Maybe I'll fill in the gaps some day. At the time, I thought it was the hardest thing I'd ever have to go through. In a way, it still is. It's a lot easier to tell people you have cancer than to tell them you're certifiable. Certified, actually.
Anyway, one of the things that they taught us in the hospital was that you can change the way you feel about things by changing the way you think about them. If I decide that my life is hard because people don't like me and are trying to hurt me, then I'm going to be angry and paranoid. If I can change that thinking, realize that life is hard because --- I don't know --- because there are just some things that happen and we can't change them, that is going to change the way I feel about the events in my life. If I think that life is insane and random and out of control, it makes me feel hopeless. If I think that God has a plan for me, one that I can trust without knowing or understanding what it is, then I have a reason to feel like things aren't always going to be so bad.
Someone once said that religion is for the weak, and to that I answer, "Amen." I am not strong enough to take on this universe by myself. But with God's help, I can do what must be done today. Say my prayers. Get out of bed. Make a meal. Walk the dog. Write. Call a friend. It isn't a very ambitious agenda, but it is a better reflection of the things I value than hiding under the covers.
I said I had an epiphany. I guess it was this: I have nothing to wait for. There is nothing around the corner that is more important than what is right in front of me now. I had a professor who used to say, "College students are always talking about getting out into the real world. I have news for you. This is the real world." I'm learning just how right he was. Eternity isn't something you wait for. Eternity is going on right now. There is no need to wait for God's plan because it is already in motion.
There is something sort of funny about this spiritual awakening of mine. I've spent most of the year angry and doubting God. Just at the time when I would have expected to lean on Jesus the most, I felt the most alone. Now that the danger has past, I've started to realize just how present God has been. God may not have felt close, but the people God sent sure were. They answered "Yes" when God told them to call or send an email or make a casserole. God was present in the faithful people who cared about me.
Maybe that's as good a definition of faith as any. Faith is saying "Yes," to life. "Yes," to love. "Yes," to now.
Peace,
Pennsy
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Label Cloud
mrs p
Cancer
running
lifting weights
LIVESTRONG at the YMCA
treadmill
weight
nutrition
depression
God
Living Strong at the Y
injury
YMCA
dogs
mom
walking
radiation
Weight Lifting
cardio
friends
program
theatre
body fat
long slow run
love
One for the Five
aches
elliptical
race
resistance bands
stretching
5K
Acting
Jeff Galloway
chemo
doctor
family
mental health
Church
Pittsburgh Marathon
bluegrass
fundraising
inspiration
patience
personal trainer
recovery
Flying Pig Marathon
Jesus
Johns Striders
Race Report
Run the Bluegrass Half Marathon
bipolar
frustration
kentucky
knees
measurements
morning
promatx
yoga
Christmas
Marathon
Pennsy's Greatest Hits
cats
clothes
heart rate
hope
lance armstrong
life
molly
poetry
rest
side effects
steelers
swimming
10K
Actors' Guild of Lexington
Blog
CT Scan
Coach Carrie
PET Scan
cross training
exercise
fear
feeling good
groin
healing
ice cream
livestrong
nausea
powerlifting
run/walk/run
stair climber
surgery
Cancer Fighter
Cold
Gear
Hills
Iron Horse Half-marathon
Job
LSR
Mum
Nike+
Shamrock Shuffle 3K
achilles
advent
arboretum
bmi
bodyweight exercises
changes
charity
circuit training
cycling
dad
deadlift
diabetes
encouragement
experts
give up
goals
horses
interval training
jake
kettlebells
lean body mass
new rules of lifting
pacing
personal best
plateau
prayer
recumbent bike
research
shoes
sleep
strength
teeth
therapist
toe
video
Blood
Easter
Endurance
Funeral
Garmin 405
Homecoming
House
Insurance
Juicing
Keeneland
Legacy
Night
PR
Pennsyltucky
Pittsburgh
Relapse
Run This Town
TRX
Training
Values
aflac
arnold
ben-gay
bench press
chafing
christian
compression shorts
dentist
dreams
faith
fat
fatigue
foreclosure
good day
half marathon
hospitality
javarunner
john's run/walk shop
lou schuler
new year
nurse
pains
peg tube
powercage
progressive resistance.
racing
rain
rapture
reboot
runners world
squat
sun block
supplements
team pennsy
tired
weather
will rogers
work
#3rightThings
9-11
ACSM
AIDS
Aquaphor
Blessings
Bluegrass 10K
CSN
Cancer Boy
Cedar Hill
Charles Dickens
Class of 82
Classes
Colby Road
College
Compassion
Courage
Crowdrise
Cystoscopy
Dee
Diet
EFM
Epiphany
Fall
Fartlek
Fat Man
Fat Sick and Nearly Dead
Frankfort
Gadgets
Gramma
Grampa
Gratitude
Grete Waitz
Guest
HITT
HIV
Hell
Holding Hands
Holy Saturday
Homer
Horse Capital Marathon
IVP
Ice bath
Jacuzzi
James Taylor
Jesus wept
Joe Cross
John Izzo
Joy
KY
LaDonna
Leg Day
Lent
Lessons
Lexington
Little Pennsy
Mental hospital
Midsummer Night's Run
Mindfulness
MobileFit
Negative Splits
Old Frankfort Pike
Pilates
Podrunner
Pre-race
Priorities
RICE
Railrunner 10 Miler
Random thoughts
Resurrection
Reunion
Run Bob Run
Run Report
Run Review
Run for the Gold 3K
Running Form
Running for Sabrina
STUPID
Shakespeare
Skip Brown
Speed
Spinning
Summer Of Speed
Sunrise
Supersets
Tao Te Ching
Thank You
The Wall
Three Right Things
Toxic Passenger
UK
UK basketball
Urine
Urologist
Victory
Walk of Shame
Warrior
Westminster
Whole Foods
Wind
Words
Zumba
ace bandages
addicted
agony
alwyn cosgrove
america
anger
antibiotic
anxiety
awake
back
baseball
blood clots
blood pressure
body glide
bonhoeffer
books
brad
calories
chinup
colonoscopy
consistency
crazy
cycles
dentures
dip
dr. google
dumbbells
elevation
facebook
failure
farts
feet
fight for life
fitness
forgiveness
frankenpennsy
fun
getting started
glucosamine
glutes
goal
gremlin
grenz
grumpy
hair
hamstrings
hiccups
high school
hot
ice
incarnation
indian food
jogging
john lennon
joint
legacy trail
liniment
lunges
machines
maker's mark
mapmyrun.com
medicine ball
meds
mercy
motivation
motley fool
music
nature
neighborhood
new balance
nike
noah
numbers
pennsyltuckian
periodization
persistence
phlebitis
postmodern
prison
professional boundaries
progress
psychiatrist
pullups
pushups
quads
ramble
rememberance
renewal
road running
ronnie coleman
rowing
safety
sauna
scan-ziety
sexy
shopping
shorts
shower
sick
sleepless
snow
socks
spandex
star trek
statistics
steam room
steroids
stiff
strained muscle
strap
strength training
supination
support
surgeon
survive
swackett
swiss balls
table
technology
tempo
terry bradshaw
testicular torsion
text
thai food
that's fit
the five
thighs
walk breaks
warm up
water fitness
water jogging
weak
wedding ring
wellness
wife
winter
workout
writing
yardwork
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat's an awesome post, my sweet friend!
Love 2 u-
Laurie
Thank you very much for your wonderful
ReplyDeleteBob, once again I enjoyed your post tremendously. But, this time there was lesson in it for me. The quote, "you can change the way you feel about things by changing the way you think about them" rings true with me. There are times in my life when circumstances "get me down". But if I just put a positive spin on them, or just "change the way I think about them" I can feel better about the circumstances. I have always done this, but never seen it put in writing, or heard it from a professional. BB#2
ReplyDelete